Trumpets Being Polished In Heaven

Trumpets Being Polished In Heaven

by Tim Ruthven

Transcribed from the original recording; may contain errors.

While we were praising the Lord there, this is what came to my mind, that He’s not dealing with us at a moment concerning salvation. This is not a moment when we are to be thinking of salvation in the sense that we’ve just got to get ourselves saved and out of hell and into heaven somehow. And that the Lord Jesus Christ is going to get us out of hell and into heaven. Amen. This is a more glorious day. This is the most exciting moment of the church. This is the day when our hope is full and our faith is alive and we are full of anticipation of the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.

And He’s preparing us for His coming. Not for our exit. His entry. Isn’t that exciting? Amen. And then He brought to my mind an experience I had when I first came to America. And I was speaking at a Baptist church, a Southern Baptist church in Georgia. And the choir master, music director, came up to me afterwards and he said to me, “I’d like to take you to a ball game.”

And I went home to where I was staying and I said to Marge, “The music director wants to take me to a ball game. Do you think that’s a sanctified thing? Is it like the racetrack? What’s a ball game? I know it’s in a big stadium. It can’t be like the baseball we play in New Zealand. They wouldn’t do that in a big stadium. What on earth would it be? Do you think it’s sanctified?”

And she said, “I think so. I think you can go with him to that ball game.” So I went to the ball game and I had never seen anything like it in my life. I had never seen such a contrast of colours. Yes, they were as beautiful as somebody, the shirts and colours that they wear when they’re riding horses. And all sorts of things happened. Indians did a little war dance and smoke signals went up and a special little car brought the ball out to the pitcher or the pitcher out. I’m not sure.

And it was an exciting event. And then after a while, I sort of got a little bit bored. These guys were too good. They didn’t miss anything, so nobody was scoring. How can anybody win if it’s like this? So I said, “Lord, I’d like to pray for one of these teams. I think I’ll pray for Georgia.”

And so I started praying for them. I said, “Lord, is it okay to pray for a ball game?” And then the game took on a little different turn and it became more exciting. And as it became more exciting, I got more excited. And I discovered I was standing up and saying, “In the name of Jesus, catch that ball!”

I like to think that my praying had something to do with Atlanta winning. There was only a couple of scores or whatever it was. It wasn’t very much, but Atlanta did win. I went back to New Zealand dazzled with what I’d seen. Never had I seen anything like dancing girls and a little band would come out, a minstrel band. I couldn’t believe that so many things could happen in a ball game.

And then I saw it on television later on. Somehow it wasn’t the same. Somehow watching it on television and being there and seeing it firsthand and being part of the excitement and being caught up in all that bright colours and the festivities and excitement wasn’t quite the same as watching it on television. Have you had that experience? I’m sure you have. The Lord reminded me of that when we were sitting there because He was saying to me, “Tim, some of the people you’re sitting amongst are going to watch the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ on television and that’s all they’re going to see.”

But there are those who are living in the heavenly of heavenlies, living in the holy of holies with them now, fellowshipping with them in the closet now. Their hearts are in tune. Their spirits are sensitive. They know the excitement in heaven at this moment. They know the great activity that’s going on, the preparation that’s going on, the angelic beings that are forming mass choirs to announce the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ. The trumpets have been taken out. I’ve seen them handed from hand to hand. They’re being polished. They’re being prepared. Everybody in heaven is getting into harmony and into tune for one great historical event and that is to proclaim the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ. This globe is going to rattle and shake with the volume that comes forth from heaven as the Lord Jesus Christ descends and sets His foot on the Mount of Olives. And here lies the bottom line. You have the choice of seeing His arrival on the Mount of Olives through the media, through a satellite, or you have the choice of being in that holy place when He leaves. You will know before He leaves if you’re there. You will not need the news media. You will not need television to tell you of this great event.

It will all take place in your heart in that holy of holies. How does that grab you? Does something for me. That’s why I’m such an excited proponent of the quiet time. The bottom line is what you’re doing now in your intimate, personal, devotional life with the Lord Jesus Christ. That’s where it all is at. And brethren, a generation or so before us, they called it the morning watch. It was practiced. It was understood. It was the foundation of their faith. And somehow, somehow, after just a couple of generations, the people of God have slipped away and have exchanged that precious moment-by-moment, day-by-day, closet or quiet time or morning watch experience. They have thrown it aside, laid it aside for teachers.

Are you hearing that? For what somebody else has read. For what somebody else has seen. For what somebody else has experienced. What I can share with you at best is second hand. Second hand. That’s right. At the very best that I can give you at second hand. God’s best is for you to experience what we’re talking about in the closet yourself. And I was brought home to this very clearly this morning. If you were at devotions this morning and you would have heard the story from our dear sister about her grandson who told her that when he was old enough to read, he was going to get the Bible and he was going to read one page at a time and he was going to do it. Whatever was written on that page, one page at a time. Oh, a little child shall lead us. If we would be a little slower to hear, if we’d be content with a little less and practice a little more and persevere a little more and press into what the Word offers us in the Kingdom of God. Are you hearing what I’m saying? Our spiritual life would be on another plane altogether.

Well, I think now we can go into the Word and I want you to open your Bibles at St John’s Gospel, Chapter 21, because if I hear what the Spirit is saying tonight, He is going to revive you. He is going to refresh you. He is going to bring you back once again to a place that you once were. To a place that is but a memory tonight. A place that you have always desired to come to again. And tonight you are going to have that opportunity. Just let’s bow our heads. We love You, Lord Jesus Christ. We have sung Your praise. We have been encouraged by the presence of the Holy Spirit. We thank You for Your servant who led us through… into praise and worship before Your throne by use of the piano and song. And we have just had a wonderful time of releasing our hearts and our affections and our love to You. And we appreciate that we can be shut in this camp. That we can draw aside from the cares of the world. That we can turn our backs on everything else. And just forget it, if though it didn’t exist. And just concentrate on these moments that we have together over these three days in Palestine. And we anticipate You drawing very close to us and reviving us and refreshing us.

That we might leave this retreat, this time set aside, sanctified for this purpose, just that much stronger in You, and strengthened in the inner man to once again walk in a manner that is sanctified and that will glorify You. And we’ll be quick to be reminded to give You all the praise and all the glory. So take Your liberty, Holy Spirit, now. And enjoy this moment that You have. And feel free to speak to our hearts. And just express the hand of love to us so gently and so lovingly as only You can do. For we offer You our hearts now. Yea, we set them before You. We bear them before You. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

I’m going to read some scripture for you. But before I do, I just want to put it in its context. In chapter 21, we discover Peter has come to a place in his life where he has faced spiritual failure.

He didn’t get hold of what Jesus was saying. Over and over and over, Jesus said that He must die, that He must be crucified, that He must be buried, that on the third day He would rise again, and that He would meet Peter in Galilee.

And Peter never heard it. Over and over again, Jesus spoke to His disciples, and not one of the disciples heard it in a manner that they could walk in it. It didn’t become revelation to their hearts. It seemed that they were blind to what Jesus was saying. They were not available. They were not prepared for the events, even though Jesus had tried to prepare them. And so they entered into confusion and really hurt deep down inside. And Peter didn’t know how to express himself in the midst of this confusion. Can you just imagine how he felt? He denied Jesus. Two little ladies heard what Jesus had to say. Two little ladies took the time to take oil as a response of faith, and anoint the Lord Jesus Christ for His death and burial. But the men, no, they heard nothing.

I need to say this, men. I need to say this. These ladies have a special place in the kingdom of God. They have a special place in the kingdom of God. I don’t have a lot of patience with men who get together and start determining what the woman’s role is in the church.

And I really don’t buy this story that women are on the mission field because men wouldn’t go. I think women have a special, selected, chosen of God role in their ministry to the Lord Jesus Christ. And they have a unique and special ability to hear what He’s saying. And if you cannot see that in the Gospels, not one of the men heard what Jesus was saying concerning His death, burial and resurrection and that He would meet them in Galilee. But two little ladies heard and they suffered embarrassment to take a little oil and they suffered misunderstanding. But they did anoint the Lord Jesus Christ for His burial. By faith they believed in His death. And they were there at His resurrection. Are you hearing that? So you can appreciate then sometime after His resurrection how Peter must have been feeling. He had made some mistakes. He had had over three years of walking with the Lord Jesus Christ and it hasn’t come to him yet. It hasn’t really got into him that from here on it’s going to be different. That it’s not always going to be as it was. And that he’s got to face some drastic changes. And that his walking fellowship with Jesus will never be the same again. It will never be as it was.

And I think in the life of every believer and I’m sure in the life of every believer there comes a time when suddenly we face maybe a crisis. The crisis may be nothing more than a barrenness. The crisis may be nothing more than a wilderness experience. The crisis moment may be nothing more than God seems to be afar off. But there comes a moment in the believer’s life, where really what Father is saying is, “Now, son, it’s time to grow up.”

And it’s not going to be as it was. And I have been sharing with you how God dealt with me and led me in my juvenile walk in the Spirit. But there came a time when God says, “Son, it’s time to grow up. Now, I may not be there just always in the manner that you think I should be there. I will be there, but not just the way you think I should be there. And I have lavished myself upon you and I have cared for you in all sorts of areas of your life because that was part of your childish upbringing and your growing. But there comes a time when you need to start learning to walk by my Spirit and be less dependent on the outward expressions or outward manifestations of our fellowship.”

And the way it came to me was like this. An elder one day, a dear Presbyterian elder friend, came up to me and he put his arms around me and he said, “Brother Tim, I wish you would be more loving.”

What on earth are you saying? I win souls, don’t I? If you knew how many souls that have been won this past month through my ministry, you wouldn’t say to me, I wish you’d be more loving. I’m an executive of the Gideons. I give my time faithfully to the Gideons. I’m a Navigator. I give my time faithfully to the Navigators. I have a Bible study class in my school. I give my time faithfully to the children of my school. I’m a co-founder of Christian Youth Camps. And we run six camps every year so that children are saved. And you tell me that I need to be more loving? What on earth is this man saying?

I began to feel like Peter. I knew this man had nothing to do with the way I felt deep down inside. I knew that a man couldn’t do that to me. I knew this had something to do with the Holy Ghost, but I didn’t know what. Why is God questioning my ability to love? Why, I got up early every morning and got in my closet to learn to love. I wasn’t very successful at it, but I was growing in it. Why was He questioning my ability to love? I think Peter felt a little bit like that. I felt Peter’s bewilderment. I understood there was something outside of the depth of my understanding of God that I didn’t understand and that I wasn’t in touch with. And whatever this man was saying to me, I wasn’t in touch with what he was saying. He was saying one thing and maybe I was thinking another. God, what is going on? What is it You’re trying to communicate to me? You need to speak to me. You need to school me. You need to develop this thing further in my heart, in my life. So it might can’t become a reality to me. And so I found the scripture here. And all I understood what Peter felt like when he went fishing.

There was nothing else to do. He didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know that a sudden change had taken place in his walk with Jesus. And that he could never go back to the way it was. And that he had a whole new walk in God set before him. A whole new adventure in faith. A great opportunity that the world had never seen before was to burst upon Peter and end his experience. But he didn’t know these things. He was caught in between. He was caught in a dry and barren and empty place. And Father hadn’t yet revealed what was set before him. And so he responded by saying, “Well, the only thing I can do if I can’t follow Jesus, I might as well go back to my fishing.” Have you ever been there? Now, I don’t have a doctrine of backsliding. I don’t believe in backsliding. I tried to backslide.

I really did. I tried hard. I stormed out of my house. I grabbed my camera. Because I didn’t have any money. And I said, “Marge, I’m going to go and hock my camera and get drunk. And that will really blow it all. And then it will be all over because this is too hard. I am tired of being a Christian. He expects too much of me.”

It was right at the outset of my ministry. I didn’t know I was going to be involved in public ministry. I didn’t have the faintest idea. I didn’t realise I had reached a crisis. I had reached a turning point where God was going to… I didn’t know He was going to meet me a pastor in that Presbyterian church. All I knew was that what I was experiencing was too hard. And I wanted to run. And the only thing I knew what to do, I did it very well before I became a Christian. I could go on a real good drunk for days. And that’s what I’d do. And He’d never have anything to do with me again. And it’d all be over. And I could go back to the walk I had before in the beginning. So I got to the Harbour Bridge. And I got to nearly the top of the Harbour Bridge where I could have rolled a coaster down the other side. But I ran out of petrol on the wrong side.

That’s against the law. So the man came along and gave me a ticket. But praise God, he gave me a gallon of petrol too. To get me off the bridge. I got off the bridge and I parked the car in a car park. And I went off with my camera. And I went from pawn shop to pawn shop to pawn shop. And I couldn’t even get a dollar for it.

I knew I couldn’t get drunk on a dollar. But I thought it would finish the relationship that I had with Jesus. But I couldn’t get a dollar for it. What was worse, now I had a camera and no means to get my car out of the car park.

So I sat in the back of the car wondering what I’d do and thought I might as well curl up there and go to sleep for the night. And then I didn’t like this running away stuff. And then I began to get a bit disgusted with myself.

I guess it was conviction. So I got out the car. I didn’t like what I had to do. But the only way I could get home was to hitchhike. So I hitchhiked and the guy let me off miles away from where I lived. It took me nearly all night to walk there. I was in a terrible state physically by the time I reached my home.

I discovered something that night. I discovered that the way into the kingdom of God was by the broken body. The broken and bleeding body of Jesus Christ upon a cross. And I discovered the way out was over the same body. And brethren, I couldn’t crawl across the body of Jesus Christ to backslide.

I discovered I was in love. I discovered that even though I went off the rails and wanted to finish it all and got all emotionally upset with myself and upset with Jesus and tried to get out of it, that’s not where my heart was. My heart was locked in there. My heart was hard after Him. And my heart wouldn’t let me go. And I would have had to crawl over the broken body of Jesus Christ to backslide. And I think this is where Peter came to. Suddenly Peter, in his running away experience, and the only thing he knew to do was to get out on that water and fish, and he wasn’t any good at it. He didn’t do any good at all. He didn’t catch one fish. And Jesus came on the scene as much to say, “You’re not much of a fisherman, are you?”

“Not without me.” And one of the disciples says, “Do you know that? That’s Jesus standing there.” And Peter couldn’t see Him. He had to be told. Such was the state he was in, I guess. And he expressed the state that he was in. He wasn’t rational. You can’t tell me a man’s rational when he jumps into the sea naked and runs ashore. Over the side of the boat he went, all he heard was the word of Jesus, and that was enough to motivate him and move him. And Jesus was alive. Nobody had told him that. He’d heard it with his head.

He’d heard it with his head. He’d had an encounter with Him in a room. But it never got to his heart. It had never got to that place that motivates. It never got to that place that made him alive. It never got to that place that made him respond irrationally to the point where he could leap over the side of the boat. Wow, He is alive. And over the side of the boat he goes. And he runs ashore and there’s Jesus standing there.

He sends Peter for some fish. And Peter goes and drags that net in. And there was an abundance of fish. And Peter wondered that the net didn’t break. And he gathered that fish and he took it to Jesus. And Jesus prepared that fish on the beach. And all there was silence. There was quietness. Father was doing the work in the heart of His disciples. It was getting through their thick skulls. Are you troubled with that too? It was getting through that area that’s lethargic. It’s getting through that area that’s hard to centre in. Hard to lock in. It was getting through and it was getting down into their hearts. And suddenly deep down within their spirits. Their spirits were rising up within them. And they were sitting there eating the very fish that Jesus was feeding them. And there was a knowing. There was a growing in their spirits. There was a great declaration going on in their hearts. Yes, He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive. He’s alive. I think of Don Francisco’s song, and He’s Alive Forevermore. And it was getting through to their hearts. And before this was to come to a conclusion, Jesus was going to deal with Peter. He wasn’t going to leave him in this state of confusion.

And I think that there’s people here tonight who’ve had a wonderful walk in Jesus and have enjoyed many encounters with Jesus. And maybe like Peter, He’s even visited them in the quietness of their room. Maybe He just appeared one time to you. But you’ve had glorious encounters with Jesus. But somehow you came to a point in your life where it’s just not the same as it was.

And a whole new aspect of Christ has to be opened up to you if you’re to enter in to the desires of the Father’s heart in your relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Maybe it won’t be an elder putting his arm around you and saying, “I wish you had more love, Tim.” But that’s the way it was for me. And that’s the way I identified Peter’s experience. Because in verse 15, let me read it to you. So when they had dined, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these?” He said unto Him, “Yea, Lord, Thou knowest that I love Thee.” He said unto him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him again the second time, “Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me?” He says unto Him, “Yea, Lord, Thou knowest that I love Thee.” He said unto him, “Feed my sheep.” He said unto him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me?” Peter was grieved because He said unto him the third time, “Lovest thou me?” And he said unto Him, “Lord, Thou knowest all things. Thou knowest that I love Thee.”

And Jesus came and He had him repeating and repeating and repeating. He had him responding and responding and responding. He was going to get this point. He was going to get this principle. And He was going to establish it in Peter’s heart before that night was over. “Peter, lovest thou me, Peter, more than these disciples here?” Is this what He’s saying? “Lovest thou me more than those that you’re in fellowship with here?” Is this what Jesus is saying? “Lovest thou me more than your fishing, Peter?” Is that what Jesus is saying? “Lovest thou me more than going your own way, Peter, and doing your own thing?” Is that what Jesus is saying? “Peter, you can’t have this concept of me. I didn’t come to fulfill your will. I didn’t come to fulfill what you think the Father’s will is. I came to fulfill expressly the Father’s will. Not yours, not mine, not anybody else’s. My Father’s will. Peter, do you love me? Do you love me with such a love that you would forsake your will? That you would forsake your own calling? That you’d forsake everything else that is here? And just centre in on this love relationship with me and just live to fulfill it?” Are you hearing that? I heard it.

Lord, what are You saying? What on earth are You saying? And so I began to look inwardly and look a little at my heart. And it seemed little events that happened day by day in my life. Just little minor things suddenly became electrifying. Like I was walking out of my house and Marge said to me, “Where are you going, Tim?” And I said, “Oh, another meeting.”

And suddenly I realised my attitude has changed. I can remember a time when I wouldn’t have spoken like that. I can remember a time when I wouldn’t have said another meeting. I would have been anticipating that meeting. I would have been excited about that meeting. I would have been amazed that Jesus would even allow me to go to that meeting. I couldn’t have waited to get to that meeting. I remember a time when the first thing I did for Jesus was mow grass.

That’s right. My wife bought me a motor mower. And I pulled it behind my bicycle to the church. And round and round and round the church I went to mow the grass. That’s all I knew how to do for Jesus. And so I mowed and I mowed and I mowed. And there was a big empty piece of land beside the church belonging to the church. And I mowed it and mowed it and mowed it till it looked like a lawn.

And all my drunken old friends would go past in their motor car. And they’d hoot and holler and toot their horn and shout obscenities at me. But I was having a ball of a time. I was in love with Jesus. I was mowing the grass for Jesus. And I’d run into the communion table and I’d be saying, “Jesus, how do You think it’s looking? Don’t You think the church is looking pretty since I started mowing the lawn? Aren’t You pleased with the way I’m mowing the lawn?” And there was an inner excitement at mowing the grass for Jesus. And then the deacons of the church got together and they said, “If we don’t stop this man, he’ll kill the grass.

“It doesn’t get a chance to recover from the mowing and he’s out there mowing it again. Well, what are we going to do?” So they decided that they would tell me they had to roster the mowing of the grass. And people would have to take turns for mowing the grass. And I’d say, “Please, sir, please let me mow the grass. Everybody else that are going to have the opportunity to mow the grass, they know how to do other things for Jesus. The only thing I know how to do is mow the grass. Let me mow the grass.” And so they took the risk and they let me mow the grass and it never died. But what I’m trying to say is there was an excitement. There was a joy in serving Him. And somehow that joy had been lost. Somehow that joy wasn’t there. Somehow I was serving Him begrudgingly now. Somehow when I was asked to do something, there wasn’t that same inner excitement and anticipation. There wasn’t that enthusiasm for serving Him. Somehow there was a reluctancy on my part now to do the other things that I did with great zealousness and joy.

And then I began to notice that I went to my Gideon’s meeting, not with excitement to serve Jesus, but I had a testimony. And what would the men think if I didn’t come? And I began to realise that I was being motivated by what people might think if I didn’t go. And I had helped raise up Christian Youth Camps. And the word was, “If Tim Ruthven wasn’t in Christian Youth Camps, there wouldn’t be any Christian Youth Camps. And if Tim Ruthven wasn’t in Gideon’s, it wouldn’t be the way it was. And if Tim Ruthven wasn’t in Navigators, there seemed to be, it seemed to be if there was an evangelical board in that city, it had to have Tim Ruthven on it.” And I began to realise that these things became props.

And I had lost my joy. And I had lost my zealousness. Now my testimony was no longer a testimony. It was a reputation. And Jesus said plainly, we were to make of us. He made of Himself no reputation. So if He made of Himself no reputation, what was I doing building a reputation?

So I went and resigned from everything. Now they said, “Tim Ruthven’s had a breakdown.” And I came to that great place of void, of not knowing what to do, of inactivity. And that’s how it was when I first came into the kingdom of God. And in that place of inactivity, I just knew, I just knew that those words that Jesus said to Peter was going to become a reality in my experience. And I would be able to stand before Jesus, eyeball to eyeball, face to face, without a doubt in my heart, without questioning my motives, without questioning my attitudes, without questioning what was going on in my heart when I was called to do things. I was going to be able to come to a place where my conscience was totally clear before Him. And I was going to be able to say, “Lord, You know, You know, You know that I love You.”

I’ve never found that God’s in a hurry to bring us to that place. Not as in big a hurry as I was to get there. And I had to wait. And then in His time, He brought me to a scripture. I want you to turn with me to it. It’s found in Exodus chapter 21.

Exodus chapter 21. He brought me there in the strangest way. My little girl, my middle girl, I have three girls and three boys. We have three girls and three boys. And our middle girl, Anne, said to her mother, “Mother, can I have a fire in my bedroom?” And every room in the house had a big open fireplace. And in the open fireplace, there was paper and there was kindling wood and there was wood to put on the kindling wood and there was matches and all you had to do was light it and you had a fire. Very simple.

And mother said to Anne, “No, you can’t.” So she came to me and she says, “Daddy, can I have a fire in my bedroom?” I hope none of you younger people do this stuff. And I said, “Yes.” So she went to a room and she thought, “Now Mum says I can’t have a fire,” and I don’t know how she figured this out, but she took the paper out the grate and the wood out the grate and she put it in the wardrobe. And she thought, “Well, I can have a fire in the wardrobe.” And she lit it in the wardrobe. I’m not sure how she came to this conclusion but she came to it.

When we had discovered what she had done, and of course the fire was ablaze and it was through the roof and going out through the walls. And a few minutes later the fire brigade was arriving, chopping their way through the roof and putting their hoses through, and Marge’s living room, and breaking a hole through the wall, and oh dear me. And after the fire was all over, a deaconess from the church, the Presbyterian church arrived. And we got to talking. And she brought some little clothes. The children all lost their clothes. And she brought some little sweaters. Some little sweaters. And a variety of clothes for the girls. And in our conversation, it came out that I’d grown up in a Presbyterian orphanage. And she said to me, “Did you know, Tim, that… the wife of the superintendent of that Presbyterian orphanage, that is the widow, lives just a little away from you? And what a thrill she’d get if you’d go and see her.” And suddenly something was unlocked inside me. Now I’m born again. I’m baptized in the Holy Ghost. I’m schooled and skilled in the Word of God. And I don’t want to pollute your minds with the ugliness that came up from deep down inside somewhere. There was bitterness. There was hatred.

There was anger. There was animosity towards that lady. Go and visit that lady. I would gladly strike her dead. Hadn’t they beaten me every day? Hadn’t they incarcerated me? Wasn’t it as much a prison sentence as it had been for my father in jail? Well, go and visit this woman. Why don’t you give her a call, Tim? All this stuff was going on inside me. So I went over to the telephone and I rang the lady. And she answered so politely and she answered so lovingly and affectionately. She said, “You’re going to come and see me.” I am? I’m going to come and see you? Yes, ma’am, I’ll come and see you. And so we set a time to go and see her. And I arrived at her home and on the coffee table in front of the couch, she had all these photographs laid out of every boy that I’d grown up in the orphanage with. And she remembered every one of their names and she named them to me. She told me where they were and what they were doing and who’d been in jail and who hadn’t been in jail. All this stuff she told me. And as I listened to her, I could tell she loved every one of those boys.

And then at the end, she looked at me and she said, “Tim, you never returned. You never came back after you became a soldier. We never heard of you again.” And I suddenly discovered that in the bitterness and ugliness and the distortion of those childhood years, I had tremendously misjudged this lady. And during those years, she had actually loved me. And I’d been blind and ignorant to that love. And God released me of something. And there was a great cleansing that took place within me. It took a fire. It took a loss. It took a near tragedy, in the midst of all my evangelical fervour, for God to bring me to a place of reality in that little word love that Jesus was speaking about to Peter. And so here was another momentous experience in God. And God, where do I go from here? What on earth are You trying to say to me? How do I unlock this thing? How do I come into the experience and into a more meaningful understanding of what You’re saying in this realm of love? There is bitterness there now. I would have said it had all gone to the cross. I would have said the blood of Jesus Christ had cleansed me from all this stuff. I would have said there wasn’t an ounce of bitterness in me.

I would have said there was no resentment in me. I would have said there was no anger in me. But now it’s all exposed. I cannot hide it. I’m convicted of this. But where do I find deliverance? If it wasn’t in that initial sacrifice of Jesus Christ upon the cross. Where is my deliverance from this anger and from this bitterness? And these things that go on inside me. And He told me to turn to Exodus 21.

God, we’re talking love, remember? We’re talking grace. That’s the law You’re referring me to. And I discovered that God had made provision for man’s heart in the law. Let me read it to you. It says, “Now these are the judgments which thou shalt set before them. If thou buy a Hebrew servant, six years he shall serve. And in the seventh year he shall go out free for nothing. If he came in by himself, he shall go out by himself. If he were married, then his wife shall go out with him. If his master have given him a wife and she have borne him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master’s and he shall go out by himself.” And listen to this in verse five. “And if the servant shall plainly say, ‘I love my master. I love my master and my wife and my children. I will not go out free.’”

And I stopped right there. And I said, “This is beyond my ability to understand. There is no way I can relate to what You’re saying.” I can identify with a man who’s serving a sentence. Because that’s what it was almost… It was a sentence. He was in debt. And the only way out of that debt was to sell himself into a bonded relationship to a master. God, knowing the heart of man, had established a law that that master whom he was to serve could not retain him past that jubilee year, that… I mean, that seventh year. And that he would have to go out free. God had locked in there. God had established a principle in there to save that man from any further agonies. At a set time, he would be made free.

I thought of my time in a prison cell in the military. Counting the days. How important it was to know what day it was. How important it was to know how many days of my sentence that I had already done. How important it was to know how many days to the day that door would open. And I would be set free. And I could walk out a free man. There is no way, God, that I can understand what You’re talking about. Because in my own experience, there is nothing in this world that could bring me to a place when that door opened. I could say, “I love my master. I will not go out free.” I would be through that door. I would be gone. The master that I served would be forgotten. He would be despised. And resented. And indeed, that was exactly what was going on in my heart.

I couldn’t understand how anybody could be in a bonded service. I couldn’t understand how anybody could be in any sort of service. And not be looking forward to that day he’d be free. He’d be independent. And he’d be able to do the things he wanted to do with his family. He’d be able to choose where he did this job or that job. Whether he lived here or whether he lived there. How, God, how could anybody in a bonded relationship come to a place where they said they loved their master in such a manner that they would not take that opportunity to be set free? God, I can’t relate to her. And then He showed me that that’s what I had done. I had built into my relationship to Jesus a bonded relationship because I was serving Him like a bonded person. I was serving Him reluctantly. I was serving Him like somebody that had to do it. I was serving Him like somebody that had to go to another meeting. I was serving Him like somebody that had to do this thing for the church, had to do this thing for Christian Youth Camps, had to do this thing for the Gideons. I was bonded and I didn’t know it. I was bound by my own attitudes and my inner desires and I didn’t know it.

I was totally blind to it. And God was trying to put in the key and open the door that I might not fly away, that I might change my inner attitudes and that I might come to an inner peace and an inner quietness in my service and come to a place where I was again so in love with Him that it would be a joy to serve Him and the resentments and the bitterness and all the things that were caused through misunderstanding would be gone and I would come into that pure love relationship with Him.

Where does the answer lie, Lord? And He showed me in the sixth verse. “Then his master shall bring him unto the judges. He shall also bring him to the door or unto the doorpost. And his master shall bore his ear through with an awl and he shall serve him forever.”

Oh, I read the Word. And I read the Word. And my heart told me it wasn’t mine. My heart told me that I had not come to that place that God was talking about in the Word. My heart told me that I knew the principle, but experientially, no matter how much I knew the principle, it wasn’t mine. God, how are You going to make this thing happen? How are You going to work this out experientially? When and how do I come to a place where I am in that love bonded relationship? A love servant, a love slave of the Lord Jesus Christ. Serving Him with joy. Serving Him with zealousness. Giving everything that I’ve got. Desiring nothing for myself. Lord, it’s not going to matter where I live. I don’t care what country I live in. I don’t care what state I live in. I better be careful here.

I lived all my life by the sea. Never been away from the sea. Brought my children up on the ocean. Grew our garden all year round. Didn’t know what it was for it to get cold enough not to grow our vegetables and things.

And then God sent me to Colorado. And He said, “You’re going to be content in whatsoever states.” And I discovered it was more than a state of mind and a state of heart. It was a state within the United States. Isn’t that true? That was a little digression.

Well, He’s done a lot of wonderful things to teach me. And I’m very, very grateful. In those early days in New Zealand, we didn’t have the teachers. Or if we did, I didn’t know of them. They weren’t available. And I would have visions and things. Because He’d want to teach me something. And nobody told me that Presbyterians had visions. And so I would have a vision. And Marge would call the doctor.

And I would be in a fever. I would be ill. I really mean that. I would be ill. I would be in a fever. And the doctor would come. And he would examine me. And he would tell me I had tonsillitis. I was ill. And my eyes couldn’t focus. I couldn’t focus on the little picture around the wall. I was ill. And then I’d go off into this vision. I thought I was hallucinating. But now I understand God was teaching me through visions. Doctor would put some penicillin in me and next day I’d be okay. And each time this happened, I would have a vision and I would learn something in God. And I was on the island of Bali in Indonesia. And I began to get this fever again and this sickness began to come on me. And it was very, very powerful. And I’ll tell you, it was so bad I thought I was going to die. And I’d sort of look forward to dying. I thought it would be exciting to die. And I really don’t mind thinking about dying. I think I just can’t wait to find out what it’s all about and to see the Lord Jesus Christ face to face and to find out what my dad’s doing there.

Because I bet he’s into some stuff there. It’s not the dying that bothers me. It’s getting hurt to die. I don’t want to get hurt. I’m a sook. And here I was. I thought it’s going to die. And this little voice is saying to me over and over again, “Present your body a living sacrifice.”

And in my hallucinations, what I thought then were hallucinations, but I realised now was a vision, I was seeing a cross. And I tell you, that cross couldn’t have been more real than if it were on this platform right now. And it was so real, I was frightened of that cross. And I knew that if I put my hand down, it was going to hurt. Somebody was going to drive a nail through it. And I was going to be nailed to that cross. And I didn’t want that to happen. And I was saying, “Lord, could I go home and see Marge first? Could I see my children first? I don’t want this to happen now.” And He was saying, “Present your body a living sacrifice.” And then I came to a place through my fears and discomforts and disquietude where I wanted to do more than anything else what the Father was saying. And I reached out and I laid myself upon that cross. And it was like looking at a television screen where you see a double image. And then the two images become one. As I lay upon that cross, there was another person there. And the two of us became one. And suddenly there was a great enlightenment. It was a great revelation just burst upon me.

And it was like I was hearing the words for the first time. And yet I’d heard them a thousand times. But suddenly I understood what Paul said when he said, “I’ve been crucified with Christ. Not I live, but He liveth in me.” And I knew, I knew that Father had brought me to the place where I could understand the verse. “If the servant will plainly say, I love my master, I love my master, I will not go out free.” Then what will the master do? He says he’ll take him to the doorpost. And Jesus had set the doorpost before me. In the first instance, when I first saw the cross, it was His cross. But in the second instance, He was leading me to the doorpost. The difference was it was my cross this time. There had to be a willingness to be crucified with Him. There had to be a willingness to lay my desires aside. There had to be a willingness to give up my desires. There had to be a willingness to respond to the word that Peter said to Jesus. “Do you love me more than these? Do you love me more than your wife? Do you love me more than your children? Do you love me more than your ministry?

“Will you come and join me in this place of suffering? Will you come and join me upon this cross? Will you come and stretch out your hands and be nailed to this tree with me?” And I suddenly saw it. It was as clear as clear. First of all, the master, when he took the servant to the judges, took him to a place of examination. And there was a time of examination. There was a time of waiting. Father was waiting to see if what I said with my mouth was in my heart. And then I was confronted with the reality of it. And that was my time of examination. That was the moment when Father was waiting to see if I really did love Him with all my heart and soul. If I really did love Him in the manner that I was confessing. If I loved Him enough for that love to be examined, for it to be brought into the open, for it to be brought into the light, so that it would be the expression of my heart. And would I voluntarily, no man dragging me, but would I voluntarily present my body. And brethren, under the law, when the master took him to the doorpost, he took an awl and he took his ear.

And I could just imagine Jesus taking us gently to the doorpost and laying our ear against the doorpost and taking that rough carpenter’s awl and boring a hole marking our body so we’d bear for eternity the imprints of the crucified life. Are you hearing me? Oh, I remember as an evangelical we didn’t believe in second experiences. I don’t know how I’d get on there. I’ve probably had 20 second experiences. And I’m anticipating a lot more. But I’ve been crucified with Christ. God examined, and He examined the heart. And He found that deep down within there was resentment. And He found that deep down within there was bitterness. He found deep down within anger. He found deep down within unforgiveness. And it needed to go to the cross. And it needed to go to the cross not because I needed deliverance. It needed to go to the cross because I wanted to serve Him. Because I wanted to love Him. I wanted to have a right heart-to-heart relationship with Him. I wanted to hear the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” I wanted to know that the Father had established me in His household, but with a servant’s… a love slave’s heart. Serving out of love. And serving for how long? Waiting for the sentence to be finished? Waiting for it to come to an end?

No, brethren, for eternity. Probably as Americans you’ve never heard of the name Richard Baxter of Kidderminster. But he was a chaplain in Cromwell’s army. And he suffered terribly when he was in his 70s. They dragged him around behind a dray. Behind a, you know, horse and cart. They persecuted this man terribly. And all his life he was sickly and ill in health. However, this was his prayer and this was his heart’s desire. That he would draw so close to Jesus, that when the day came for him to leave this body and cross over to the other side, he wouldn’t notice the difference.

Are you hearing that? Oh, brethren. Oh, brethren. I believe that our Father wants us to find a bonded love relationship with His Son here and now. And be in such service with Him. And have our heart attitudes right before Him, that there will be no looking for the release. There will be no looking for the day when this occupation He’s given us, or that occupation He’s given us, will be over. We will just serve Him with such joy and such love. We will want to do more and more. If there is to… if what we’re doing is to come to an end, we can’t be waiting for the next thing for Him to show us to do. Such is our joy at serving and giving ourselves in service to Him.

And there are people here tonight. You know when you’re deep down inside that a change has taken place in your life. And you don’t have that fresh love. You don’t have that first love. It doesn’t breathe that joy within you. It’s not that holy zealousness. But it’s a questioning. And it’s a wrangling. And matter of fact, it may even be resentful in this area. Or resentful in that area. Do you know what he asked me? Do you know what pastor asked me to do?

Are you hearing me? Nothing wrong with pastor asking you to do or not to do. And he doesn’t have to be right or wrong. But your heart better respond in a manner of love. And your heart better respond without resentment. And your heart better respond with zealousness. “Oh, Jesus, are You asking me to do this? If You’re asking me to do this, I want to do this. And I want to do it with all my heart and soul.”

But if You’re not asking me to do it, Lord, I just want to get on with what You’ve given me already to do. And there’s no animosity and there’s no bitterness and there’s no anger. No annoyance. Just a joy. And another opportunity to serve Him. And of course you have the responsibility to decide in Jesus whether it’s what He would have you do. Some of you need that little visit to the cross tonight, don’t you? I know the Holy Spirit’s saying this. Let’s just bow our heads for a moment. Let’s just be still. Let’s just keep our heads bowed and our eyes closed. Let’s just say, not abs… yeah, I think I know what to do.

Holy Spirit’s been speaking to some of you. You really need a new touch in your heart realm. You need to hear those words. “Lovest thou me? Lovest thou me? Lovest thou me more than these?” I don’t know what more than these are to you. Between you and the Holy Spirit, I guess you can figure them out.

But can you respond wholeheartedly? This is not a call for independence. This is not a call to do your own will. This is not a call to serve Him when you feel like it or when it fits in with your schedule or into your way of life or into your circumstances. This is not what we’re talking about.

I think there are people here tonight that in their heart they desire to say, “Father, I need a second visit to the cross. I thank You for the blood of Jesus Christ that delivered me from sin. I thank You for the blood of Jesus Christ that has set me free. I thank You for the blood of Jesus Christ that is sufficient. Now I want to embrace that cross. Now I want that cross to become mine in reality. Now I want that cross to crucify everything in my life that is inconsistent with the kingdom of God. Now I want that cross to crucify everything that is destroying, that is overcoming, that is breaking down my love for the Lord Jesus Christ. Father, it’s not something I can do just knowing the principle. Father, it’s not going to make this my experience. Father, You need to work this out experientially in my heart so that the experience becomes mine. So that I bear the imprint of my body of a visit to that cross. So I can say with Paul, I’ve been crucified with Christ.

“So there’s not a desire in my heart to be anywhere else, but in a bonded love relationship with Him.” Am I voicing the echoes of your heart? Am I putting words in your heart that are acceptable to you and the Father? Father, if I am and you want to respond in that manner, would you just raise your hand? I thought so.

I’m going to ask the people to leave the front seats, to come away from the front seats, please. And those who want to respond, come and just kneel at the front seats or kneel around the platform and make a little altar up here somehow, where you can have a chance to, before we do anything else, before we go anywhere, before anything interrupts what the Holy Spirit is saying at this moment. Just come on out here and just get on your knees. And those who are not coming out, let us just pray with those who’ve come out. Because God has shut us in. He really has. He shut us in. And it’s that tender spirit that’s here, that beautiful presence of the Holy Spirit. And I’m not sure how far He’s prepared to go with the hearts of those who come forward. But you come forward quickly now. It’s between you and Him. I can’t do anything for you. I can only share my own experience with you.

There are chairs there you can kneel at the two if they’ll be more comfortable. The whole front row is clear. And yes, please be comfortable. If you need to sit there, sit there. I don’t want to put on your kneeling, I’m sorry. I want you to feel quite free to express yourself however you feel you need to. So that a communication will take place right now between you and the Holy Spirit. You’ve heard what I have said. You’ve heard my testimony of the word. You’ve heard what the word has said. You’ve heard how it’s worked out experientially. And I understand you’re here now saying, “Father, I want that to be my experience. I thank You for the cross thus far in my life. But I need to know that cross. I need to embrace that cross. I need to be crucified with the Lord Jesus Christ. Some things in my life need to be crucified.”

Hallelujah. We just need a little time. Please, dear friends, pray for those up here and just be a little patient. We just need a little time. There’s an operation going on up here of the heart. And some people are going to come into healing, physical healing, because of a heart healing tonight. Praise God.

Don’t hold back the tears. Just let them fly.